Seriously, my loves. I am deflated, depleted and over everything if I be honest with you. I feel like I’ve been working 14 hours a day every day for months and I am just not getting anywhere. After being told too many times that I am over emotional. I now no longer want to be emotional about any one or anything. If I could lock away and not have any contact with anyone for 6 months, I can honestly say that I would take that offer up because I have had enough. I’ve had enough of backstabbers (there have been a few over the last few months). I am tired of having to fake it with them. Some I have blocked and deleted because they was fake AF and smiled in my face, pretending to be my friend, or a supporter when they were slyly wanting the worst for me.
As Oprah said, when someone shows you their true colours, believe them. BELIEVE THEM because people can only fake it for so long.
I am working two jobs, being made redundant from one and pushing myself every day to make my side hustles my main hustle. I have been accused of tapping into my masculine energy too much and not being feminine or more soft. But riddle me this…. how the hell do you maintain your feminine energy when for the majority of the time, you’re fending for yourself. There are no breaks, no holidays. Just 24/7 hustling and trying to give myself and my mother better. I want better and I am not someone who will sit there and expect the world to be given to them. I get up, I put in the work but right now, it feels like my attempts are futile.
I have tried so many things and not just for trying sake or to only make money fast; with no passion attached. No..I was passionate about Drama and acting, passionate about presenting and radio, passionate about running an online magazine and passionate about modelling. But tbh, no matter how hard I banged on the door. And I banged, then I tried to climb over the fence, crash through it…. I was not able to get to the levels I wanted and in effect at 38 I feel like I am building my life again.
It feels daunting because with my track record, I am unsure whether I will convert the passions I have now into the outcomes I want. I feel drained, overworked and tired and yet, where do I turn? I have to keep going, keep trying because my desire to be more than I was yesterday still lives rent free in my head daily.
I started WWS again and I love it but I know the level of work I have to put in to make it a success is astronomical and some days I don’t even want to get out of bed; so it’s techy. Then there’s the fact that I am starting a new role which I am PROUD to death about because it will help me to move out of the employment sector; a sector I have been in for 14 years. So, this is a massive success and I give myself a thousand pats on the back for that.
It’s been a good and bad week. I was excited about this Bank Holiday (but not for the Kings Coronation) but the plans fell apart (and I kind of felt they would so I have adopted the ‘no expectations, no disappointments mindset) and now I am taking time to reflect on my overall mood.
I am tired, really tired and needing some respite. But, I know for me; it’s not going to come so on Tuesday. It’s back to the grind again.
How are you all doing?