I wasn’t planning to write this post but have felt the need to since writing is the one way I can express how I feel without worrying or caring what people think or say about it. I’m just feeling very angry right now. Angry and stressed because I feel like everything I believed in as a child has not come into fruition in my adulthood. I feel like I placed my trust in love in the wrong, undeserving hands and as a result I’ve been left bruised and tarnished as I fight to pick up the emotional pieces.
Have you ever placed a part of your heart and trust into someone for them to turn around and leave you physically and mentally ill; but because they placed their needs and wants above you; they left you there to pick up the pieces. They left you to feel the brunt of the pain and disappointment on your own. I’ve been there and it’s a horrible thing because it feels that everywhere I turn, their there as a reminder of this. The worse thing is that although my heart is pure; my love sincere I have been left feeling a deep sense of anxiety, my ability to create relationships or maintain human interactions with others has been tainted. I just lose interest now. It’s difficult to pin point the exact reasons why.
I have this inexplicable desire to pack my bags and leave where I am and not come back. To leave all present possessions behind me and start again because nothing appears to calm or ease the unnerving feeling that keeps coming in waves over me.
I am without a doubt the strongest person I know. That is unquestionable. I also possess the ability to encourage, empower and enhance the lives of others around me. Yet, my own anxieties, my own pains, my own upsets, I find almost impossible to overcome completely.
I feel it comes from sheer disappointment in my faith. I lack faith is religion; in all that I have been brought up to believe because it quite simply hasn’t played out like that. Those who have wronged me (and I mean deeply) have just appeared to go from strength to strength. With all the injustices that we are continually shown daily on TV or in social media; I struggle to see any equality in this world. This isn’t the movies, good doesn’t always over-shadow evil; in fact it is playing out almost at the opposite effect.
Then I’m wishing to some extent that I kept my visions, my goals and my ideas to myself. That I hadn’t opened them up to individuals who just were not deserving of it. Those people who wanted a reference or just to have some sort of heads-up at my expense. How I hate having regrets; though it feels there are loads for me to ponder on at present.
I hate my honesty. That I care too much about how things will affect other people when it is undoubtedly always me that comes out the worst. There are so many things that I will no longer allow. I’m a believer in the fact that happiness is indeed an inside job; that sometimes I will feel this way because I am human. I just want peace of mind and a sign from somewhere to indicate that something significant is just around the corner. I guess time will tell.