Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. My moods have been so low, and I know part of it is connected to my erratic periods. They’ve gone all over the place again, and the pain has been a lot. I’m in the process of arranging tests with my local hospital, and my mind feels consumed by the what-ifs, the waiting, and the uncertainty that comes with it.
On top of that, I’ve been wrestling with a serious bout of imposter syndrome. Creating content, something that usually brings me joy, feels more like a chore right now. I find myself questioning everything I put out convincing myself it isn’t good enough. Every podcast I listen to tells me, “Just upload it!” but when you’re feeling drained and overwhelmed, that advice feels hollow. I’m not finding the motivation because I feel so buried under the noise of life and its challenges.
And here’s the thing that hurts the most I am always the fixer. I am always the one people call when they need advice, encouragement, or a shoulder to lean on. But what happens when the fixer needs fixing? Where does that support come from? I’ve found that when I finally reach out, the help I get doesn’t quite meet what I need. It leaves me in this cycle of anxiety where I shut down even more, because it feels easier to retreat than to keep explaining the pain.
Then there’s grief.
Last year, I lost my favourite cousin he didn’t even make it to his 50th birthday. A few weeks ago, I lost my favourite uncle. And it hurts… it hurts so much that I didn’t get the chance to see either of them before they passed. I’m angry, I’m sad, and I feel invisible in my pain. Grief has this way of making you feel like you’re drowning silently while the world keeps moving. It leaves you feeling stuck, unable to move forward the way you want to, because a piece of you is missing.
I keep telling myself this too shall pass because I know it will but right now, I feel sad, and I feel like things will never quite be the same again. And maybe they won’t. Maybe part of the healing is learning to accept that life shifts in ways we can’t control, and we have to find ways to move through it, even when we don’t feel ready.
If you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt this way like the strong one who needs someone to be strong for you, or like grief is swallowing you whole I want you to know you’re not alone.
For now, I’m taking things one day at a time, giving myself grace, and reminding myself that my feelings are valid.
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